


If You're Reading This

by montecarlogirl87



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 11:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montecarlogirl87/pseuds/montecarlogirl87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>song-fic -- Dean's deal is coming due, he tries to say goodbye.</p><p>post AHBL/Dean's deal (AU because it was written before anything canon happened)</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You're Reading This

**Author's Note:**

> I know the lyrics don't _exactly_ fit, but when this song first came out and it was playing over and over on the radio, I just kept hearing Dean in my head. I almost had to pull over once when I was driving because I teared up so bad. So I had to write it just to get it out of my system.

Dean leaned over and laid the barest brush of a kiss on Sam’s forehead.   
  
His heart leapt into his throat, reminding him of when they were younger and he would tuck Sam in. He pushed the bangs off his forehead, the lightest touch mimicking the slow slide of hot tears down his own face.   
  
He stood there for one agonizing minute, committing Sam’s relaxed face to memory. Trying to convince himself that if he studied it long enough, burned the image into his memory, nothing could ever take it away from him.   
  
He picked up the complimentary notepad and pen from the end table and snuck outside.   
  
Dean carefully closed the door behind him with a soft click, freezing and listening to make sure the quiet noise hadn’t woken Sam.   
  
One year. He had had one year.   
  
He never would have imagined how fast that time could have gone. And now, here he stood, his last hours ticking away, the beat of his heart echoing in his head reminding him of the dwindling seconds.   
  
He eased the door open on the Impala, slowly so it wouldn’t voice its distinctive creak into the silent night.   
  
As his form relaxed into the leather he felt the weight of what he was about to do settle deep in his chest.   
  
Part of him knew he should stay, fight, let Sammy be there.   
  
But part of him knew he could never do that.   
  
He really was his father’s son.   
  
With a shaky hand that he would never admit to, he propped the small notepad up on the steering wheel and popped the cap off the pen. 

If you’re reading this   
My momma is sitting there   
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here   
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss   
War was just a game we played when we were kids   
Well I’m laying down my gun   
I’m hanging up my boots   
I’m up here with God   
And we’re both watching over you

  
_Sammy, I know you’re gonna hate me for this, but I just couldn’t bear to have you there when all this shit went down._   
  
_I know you and your temper and I know you’re never gonna stop fighting, trying to fix this, but Sammy, as much as you may hate it, I did this for you. I couldn’t let you die. And once you stop cussing me out you’ll understand that, just like you couldn’t let me die back in Nebraska, with LeGrange._   
  
_Guess it’s in the Winchester blood huh? Mom, back in Lawrence for us, Dad for me, me for you. Just promise me you’re not gonna do something stupid._   
  
_Let’s not play revolving door with the Winchester souls. Don’t make my damn sacrifice in vain Sammy._   
  
_I’m your big bro, it’s my job to protect you, and I made myself a promise back when we were kids that I would. And don’t you go blaming Dad, he had nothing to do with it. It was always my choice to look after you. You have no idea how much I love you kiddo, don’t you ever forget that._

 

Dean swiped angrily at the liquid on his face. Selling his soul for Sammy’s life had been easy compared to this. Who knew writing a letter could be so damn hard? 

 

So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town   
And know my soul   
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go   
If you’re reading this I’m already home

  
  
_I’ll be okay Sammy. I knew what I was agreeing to when I took the deal. I’ve never worried about what would happen to me, it was always about you. As long as you’re safe and ALIVE that’s all that matters._   
  
_You’re gonna wake up in a few hours and tear outta here trying to find me and fight this, but I’m sorry man, it’s gonna be too late. Not like that will stop you of course, you always had an extra helping of the Winchester stubbornness. I know you’ll take care of the end. The way we did with Dad._   
  
_I just wish you didn’t have to._

He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘salt and burn my corpse buddy,’ but knew Sam would understand.   
  
His own mortality and impending death settled down on him like thickened air, constricting his chest and impeding his breathing. 

 

If you’re reading this   
Half way around the world   
I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl   
I hope she looks like you   
I hope she fights like me   
Stands up for the innocent and the weak   
I’m laying down my gun   
Hanging up my boots   
Tell dad I don’t regret that I followed in his shoes 

  
  
_I know I cursed Dad for doing the same damn thing I’m doing now, but I understand him Sam._   
  
_I watched you die, I held you in my arms and watched the light leave your eyes. And given the chance I’d make the deal again._   
  
_In a heartbeat._   
  
_I know you’re gonna keep fighting, there’s so much left to do, I wish I could be beside you to do it, have your back. But please Sam, don’t let this destroy you._   
  
_I never told you how sorry I was for what happened to Jessica. But I am, I would do anything to rewind these years and protect you from that, let you live a normal life._   
  
_Leave this all behind Sam, go have kids, maybe with Sarah, she was way too hot for you, you shouldn’t walk away from that._

 

So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town   
And know my soul is where my momma always prayed that it would go   
If you’re reading this, I’m already home

  
  
_I’ll be okay Sam, I promise. We’re made of stronger stuff than that. We’ve beat these bastards before, and we’ll do it again. Hell’s here on earth, I got nothing to worry about._  

The words were hollow. He knew where he was headed. Sam knew where he was headed.   
  
There would be no pearly gates, golden halos and fluffy clouds to rest big wings on. But he had to reassure Sam, it was habit, instinct, in his blood. 

 

 _And take care of this damn car. Don’t make me come back just to kick your ass. And don’t you dare trade this baby in on a damn Civic. This is_ our _car Sam. This was Mom and Dad’s car, you have no idea the memories in this thing, from before you can even remember._  

 

If you’re reading this, there is gonna come a day   
You move on and find someone else and that’s okay   
Just remember this   
I’m in a better place   
Where soldiers live in peace and angels sing amazing grace

  
  
_I know I’ve just rambled for way too long and you know damn well how much I hate this chick flick shit._  
  
 _I love you Sammy. Don’t ever forget that._  
  
 _You were always the one that was supposed to become more, be better than this life._  
  
 _I don’t regret living the way we did. I really don’t. All the people we’ve saved, evil we’ve killed. I never had the drive to do anything else the way you did. It was my choice, I wanted this life. I was happy. But I know you wanted more, hell, Sam, you_ deserve  _more. So please, move on. For me, if nothing else._  
  
 _Name your kid or something after me. We’ll be even._

 

 

So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town   
And know my soul is where my momma always prayed that it would go   
If you’re reading this   
If you’re reading this   
I’m already home

  
  
_You’re better than this, you’re stronger than I’ve ever been Sam. Let this go, let_ me  _go. You gotta say goodbye man._  
  
 _You’re safe Sammy. That’s all that ever mattered to me. My work is done._  
  
 _I love you Sam._  
  
 _Your brother,_  
 _Dean_

He folded the tan sheets and tucked them in the driver’s side window, right where Sam would see it when he woke up and yanked open the motel room door.   
  
He took one long last look at the motel, Sam sleeping safely inside.   
  
He ran his hand over the smooth expanse of the Impala’s hood.   
  
“Take care of him baby,” he whispered, his voice strained and soft.   
  
He tucked his hands in his pockets, and walked slowly out of the parking lot, a box of graveyard dirt, a black cat’s bone and his picture tucked in his jacket.   
  
It would only end up being a few hours short of one year anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> If You're Reading This - Tim McGraw


End file.
